I also was told (via text — very classy) that I’m the best man in my friend’s wedding in September.  This is the same guy who said, “Poor f-ing kid” when he found out that the wife was with child, so I’m pretty pumped to bring up hurtful and potentially annulment-worthy stories in front of his new bride and her family.  I kid, I kid.  I’m also a groomsman in my cousin’s wedding this spring, so the final tally is five weddings, member of two wedding parties and one pregnant wife.  Good news is that three of them are in Atlanta so no travel costs for papa Hunter.

We’re getting things started this Sunday with a Jewish wedding on MLK weekend.  Once we make it to the receiving line, I’ll be sure to tell the bride and groom how disrespectful to Dr. King I find the proceedings. Seriously though, I’m excited about this Sunday. If everything goes as planned, I’ll work my way in as one of the chair lifters for my buddy Ben and will be gladdening the bride in only five days. Mazel tov!

We have another ultrasound scheduled for next week.  I’ll update here if there’s anything 9+ inches swinging on the screen.  Contact me at thenewfu@yahoo.com with any comments or questions.

1)  We went to a friend’s birthday party on 12/30 and everyone was talking about New Year’s Eve plans for the next night.  They asked us what we were up to and if we wanted to join them at the bars and the wife said, “I think we’re just going to have a nice dinner and rent a movie.”  I think throwing a puppy into a boiling pot of water would have killed the mood quicker.  There was about 10 seconds of silence and then they kept talking as if the previous comment didn’t exist.  Very funny stuff.

2) So we get to the restaurant on 12/31 and it’s very festive and fun.  We had been there before for drinks and were looking forward to trying it for dinner.  The waiter comes to our table to take our drink order and the wife orders a ginger ale.  The waiter asked, kind of sympathetically, “Oh, are you the driver tonight?”   She replied, “No, I’m actually pregnant.”  His response?  “Oh no, that sucks!”  Fantastic!

All in all it was a good night and there’s no bad blood between us and our friends from the first story.  They just don’t know that she’s pregnant and would’ve been much nicer about it if they had all the information.  As it is, they probably just think we’re dorky, but we have bigger fish to fry than people thinking were a little lame….

But after the past few weeks, I think that pregnancy might top the wedding experience in terms of insane and inane products and hysteria.  For all the BS when it comes to weddings, you still have the ultimate trump card when it comes to the people you’re interested in hiring.  You can always say “fuck it” and run off and get married at a courthouse.  You could get a nice cake at a local bakery (but don’t tell them it’s for a wedding…) , put disposable cameras on each table for everyone to use, hire your buddy to play songs from your itunes and buy a shitload of flowers the day before the wedding.  Maybe it’s not the wedding your lady has been dreaming of since she was five, but the point is that you could do all of those things.

With pregnancy it’s different.  Once it passes a certain point, that baby’s coming and it’s coming on its schedule.  I could dissuade the wife from buying each and every new wedding magazine but, like I said, with pregnancy it’s different.  Even though my role in planning the wedding was minuscule, I could always make a stink if I felt strongly about something because I was participant #2, at least on paper.

But the trump card I talked about with weddings has been taken off the market when it is pregnancy time.  The major difference is health.  There’s nothing life or death with weddings, even though it sure can seem like it at the time.  I wouldn’t have had a hard time yelling at the guy who made our wedding cake (he was a ponytailed weirdo and the thought of his hands in our cake batter creeps me the fuck out — he probably owns a ferret or a python or something) but I don’t think anything good is going to come from getting mad at the girl doing the ultrasound.  Besides eating healthy foods, taking some pills and pretty much taking it easy, there’s not much that you can control about this.  And that’s where the books really come into play here.  Each book is pretty good on its own but you end up feeling like a crazy person after reading all of them.  My wife pretty much is convinced that she shouldn’t be eating anything at this point.  Just yesterday she was nervous about drinking a bottle of SmartWater because of the added electrolytes.

So where does this lead?  I really don’t know.  But I foresee lots of books, magazines and conflicting advice in my future.  And there’s nothing really to do about it but bend over and take it.

I’m 75% sure he was joking. He just bought a house in Myrtle Beach with his fiancee — he didn’t laugh when I asked him if it came with any coupons for air-brushed t-shirts or complimentary Valtrex — so if he shows up with a suitcase in 7 months I’ll know that he really thinks that I’ll be a piece of shit dad. And as much as I want all my buddies to move back home, I don’t want them to feel obligated because they think I’ll be a terrible dad.  But if that ends up being true, I hope they find it out on their own.

So, back to the big news — the wife is pregnant and everything is going great so far.  Wife and the little nugget inside of her are both healthy and sleeping off a serious Sparkling Cranberry Juice hangover in the bedroom.  Last night was a very tame New Year’s Eve but we were both happy to be where we are.  We’ve worked very hard to get to this point and it’s been a lot of fun so far.  I’ll post as frequently as funny or interesting shit happens along the way.  And if the first few weeks of this are any indication, there will be plenty of material.